Sahil Bloom · April 26, 2024

3 Levels of Listening, How to Fix Your Back Pain, & More

Glance

A Friday Five issue covering hard conversations, the people you choose, three levels of listening, healing chronic back pain, and defining success on an inner scorecard.

Meaning

Sahil Bloom argues that avoiding hard conversations only lets minor issues compound into major ones, so directness now makes for an easier life later. He shares a Robin Williams quote on choosing your people wisely, then introduces a model of three levels of listening—"Me," "You," and "Us"—claiming that charisma comes from being interested rather than interesting, and that practiced Level 2 and Level 3 listening deepens relationships. He closes by recommending a video on healing chronic low back pain and a Farnam Street piece on the inner scorecard, the idea that you alone should define your success.

The author, in their own words

Question to build an easier life:

Where am I avoiding a hard conversation that I need to have?

The best life advice:

Never avoid hard conversations. If something has a minor issue, repair it. Minor issues become major issues over time.

This advice applies to relationships, business, and so much more.

Hard conversations now prevent harder conversations later. Time doesn't fix anything, but it can make things worse.

I recently experienced the downside of a hard conversation avoided in a business setting. A minor miscommunication that could have been solved with a single direct conversation months ago led to a major miscommunication that took many hours of painful conversations to solve in the present.

Problems compound if given time.

Where are you avoiding hard conversations in your life?

How might a single, direct hard conversation now prevent a much bigger issue in the future?

"Do hard things" applies well beyond the confines of your health and morning routines.

Have the hard conversation. Be direct. Hard conversations make for an easier life.

Quote on the people you choose:

Who you choose to spend your time with is the most important decision.

Choose wisely.

How to become more charismatic:

3 Levels of Listening

The most charismatic people in the world share one common, unexpected trait:

They are exceptional listeners.

I used to think that being charismatic meant talking the most—being the most interesting person in the room—but that could not be further from the truth.

Charisma is about being interested, not interesting. A charismatic person makes you feel like you are the only person in the room. They are present and engaged. They hear you.

I recently learned a neat model that says there are three levels of listening:

"Me" Listening: You're having a conversation, but your internal voice is relating everything you hear to something in your own life. Your internal voice runs off on tangents, thinking about your own life while the other person is talking about theirs. You're waiting to speak, not listening to learn. This is the default mode of listening for everyone.
"You" Listening: You're having a conversation, and you are deeply focused on what the other person is saying. You are present and intently focused. You're not waiting to speak, you're listening to learn.
"Us" Listening: You're building a "map" of the other person, understanding how all the new information they are sharing fits into that broader map of their life and world. You're listening to understand, considering the layers beneath what the other person is saying.

Most people live their lives as Level 1 listeners. Charismatic people have a practiced intention around Level 2 and Level 3 listening.

With this framework in mind, pay attention to the conversations you have over the coming week:

What level of listening do you typically find yourself in?
How can you flip some of your Level 1 into Level 2 and unlock new depth in your relationships?
Where might Level 3 listening benefit your most important relationships (partner, children, parents, siblings)?

The 3 Levels of Listening is an idea that will dramatically change your interaction with the world.

Video on defeating back pain:

How I Healed My Chronic Low Back Pain

Millions of people struggle with chronic lower back pain that derails their daily happiness and lifestyle.

My friend Dan Go made this short, brilliant video on how he fought back and regained his life.

The video breaks down how to assess the pain, fix the weakness, and build a better warmup, lifestyle, and mindset.

If you've ever struggled with back pain, this is worth your time.

Blog on how you define success:

The Inner Scorecard

Great article from Shane Parrish at Farnam Street on an idea I love:

Worth a few minutes of your time this weekend.

Key Passages

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone." - Robin Williams

"When you have an internal scorecard, no one can define success for you but you."

Minor issues become major issues over time.

Hard conversations now prevent harder conversations later. Time doesn't fix anything, but it can make things worse.

Problems compound if given time.

Have the hard conversation. Be direct. Hard conversations make for an easier life.

Charisma is about being interested, not interesting. A charismatic person makes you feel like you are the only person in the room.

Most people live their lives as Level 1 listeners. Charismatic people have a practiced intention around Level 2 and Level 3 listening.

"When you have an internal scorecard, no one can define success for you but you."

Sahil Bloom · April 19, 2024

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The Most Important Question of Your Life

Mark Manson · November 6, 2013

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The Responsibility/Fault Fallacy

Mark Manson · January 26, 2017

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3-2-1: On practice, the soap opera of your life, and the danger of choosing the easy path

James Clear · July 17, 2025

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The One Rule for Life

Mark Manson · August 16, 2018

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Love Is Not Enough

Mark Manson · July 4, 2014

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Dad’s Take

Time fixes nothing, beta. That small problem you keep dodging just sits there getting fatter until it eats your whole afternoon.

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